


It Won't Be Like This For Long

by thegoodthebadandthenerdy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 20:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16144493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegoodthebadandthenerdy/pseuds/thegoodthebadandthenerdy
Summary: Barry J. Bluejeans entered their lives, but most importantly Lup's, with a bang.Not in the metaphorical sense, but in a "He was carrying lab equipment, and three books, and also a sandwich, and he dropped two of the books onto the linoleum, effectively silencing the entire room, but don't worry, the sandwich was fine" sense. He was kinda a mess.





	It Won't Be Like This For Long

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is the product of my friend and i challenging one another to get out of our comfort zones! for the last week, i wasn't allowed to write fluff, and she wasn't allowed to write angst. let me tell yall, i really miss my usual fluff. but as challenging as it was, i had sm fun, and i'd like to think this fic was worth it!
> 
> title from tht darius rucker song bc it kept repeating in my head while i wrote this lmaoo

So here's the thing. Lup kinda thought soulmates were bullshit for the first two decades of her life.

And it's not like it was that far fetched for her. She'd never seen them in action in their truest, purest forms. Never seen love that wasn't volatile.

Love scared the shit out of her, and soulmates were just the physical manifestation of that fear for her.

So, she made a pact. With her brother. It was kinda sad, but it boiled down to "fuck soulmates, we've got each other for best friends and we don't need anyone else."

And for a while. For a while it was enough for Lup. Genuinely.

That splotch on the inside of her palm stayed gray, and she stayed sane, stayed happy and healthy. 

It was enough.

Until it wasn't.

Around the time the Institute came calling, Lup had decided that maybe someone to…spend time with wouldn't be so bad?

And she saw the way Taako was about the curling gray mark on his jaw and cheek, saw how his eyes stammered across guys on their outings. 

Their pact had been child's play, and stunningly, the Taaco twins were growing up.

But they'd officially been contracted by the IPRE, and there was no time to find…anyone. Not even for drinks or a hook-up. They were in and out of classes and briefings and yadda, yadda, yadda for the next few cycles, and there just wasn't time.

The first of their soon to be group that Lup met was Lucretia, in an Efficiency course. They were paired to mock up a logbook and immediately hit it off.

It had taken a few weeks, but soon Lup and Lucretia were a pair to behold. There's the girl with the dope undercut and the fire licking her palms - the obvious choice, the one who announces her rule-breaking through a microphone. Always beside her is the girl with a nearly-shaved head and wide, circular glasses - the quiet one, who you'd think would be against her friend's displays.

So why was it, nine times out of ten, Lup was getting herself into trouble so Lucretia wouldn't be alone in her already received punishments?

There was a week or two in there where Lup thought that maybe - maybe. But Lucretia had grabbed her by the hand one day to pull her down the hall so as not for them to get caught, and when she pulled away, breathing heavily, but eyes alight with pride in her enacted plan, there was nothing new to Lup's exterior. No colorful patch. Just bitter disappointment thrumming in her chest.

So she closed herself off a bit. Not enough to raise any red flags within command - she wouldn't jeopardize the mission for heartsickness - but enough that Taako snuck her into the kitchens after hours to make recipes from home and talk it out.

"It's stupid," she'd told him a week after the incident. "I thought maybe Tia was my soulmate, but," she shrugged. "No dice."

Taako had frowned. "Yeah," he muttered. "Magnus grabbed my face to get a deadly bug or what the fuck ever off in our Environmental Safety class and it was like. Boom. Over. Nothing."

They both slumped in unison against the stainless steel countertop and let out matching groans.

"Love," Taako began eloquently. "Is dumb as hell," he added, finishing just as strong as he'd started.

"Chyeah," Lup agreed, before she straightened back up and continued to knead her hands into the dough beneath her palms. Bitterly, she expected to find color in the right one, a cosmic joke at her expense.

And on it continued. Taako introduced Lup to Magnus (who had a simple encirclement on his wrist and a loud, boisterous personality that didn't seem to match.) He gave Lup a high five the first time they met, and fearfully, she looked down as Taako cast his eyes over her drolly. She'd held her hand up to wave at him to show it was a no-go. 

From their Lup introduced Taako to Lucretia, and then Lucretia to Magnus (where there had been a spark, but when Lucretia grabbed his wrist to keep him from electrocuting himself in one of their Engineering courses, they all realized it was a fluke.)

For a while, they were just that: a quartet of soulmate-less troublemakers who also simultaneously managed to be top of their class in everything. Their immediate bonds of friendship (which Lup didn't think should be discounted just because they weren't _romantic_ ) meant that they worked well together in any class, in any combination.

Magnus and Lup enjoyed Mechanics together, Lucretia and Taako more for their Survival course. Magnus and Lucretia worked well together in Basic Architecture, whereas Lup and Taako dominated at Defense.

They were a good team. 

But the higher ups handed down an order; the four of them weren't enough. 

And it hurt like hell, but they adapted.

Next came a spritely (but not an actual sprite, to Lup's knowledge) man by the name of Davenport (Cap'nport, Magnus insisted once he realized that Dav was to be their pilot.) He didn't speak much, didn't interact a lot, but Lup got the sense he'd decided to protect them the moment he met them and Lucretia and Magnus were arm-wrestling while the twins watched on enamored, not paying the man who was supposed to be their superior any mind.

Directly behind Davenport was the cleric, Merle. And honestly, upon first impressions, Lup wasn't sure _why_ he was there. She understood the concept of having a rounded out group, that was basics, even a baby knew that. And a healer was a hot commodity, they didn't get many applicants or call-ups with medical backgrounds. But Merle was possibly one of the most bumbling clerics that Lup had ever seen.

And she adored him.

Because yeah, maybe he shuffled through spells for five minutes, maybe he got distracted by plants (she didn't want to know), and maybe he had no concept of spell slots. But one day in Group Training Magnus landed one good shot on Taako, and he was down for the count. 

They'd gotten him up and over to the sidelines (Magnus a flurry of apologies and seeming nausea, despite the joy he'd held not ten minutes earlier when the brawls began.)

Merle had pushed his way between Lup and Lucretia and made his way up to Taako. He'd taken him by the face, and turned him this way and that - all under Taako's protests - before he had scoffed and smacked the back of Taako's head.

"Get up," he'd told him. "He barely scratched you."

Taako, bemoaning life itself, brought himself to his feet, faking a sway to his stance. "I'm gonna sit the rest of this one out," he said. "Wouldn't want cha'boy to get a TBI 'cause Mags can't pull a fuckin' punch."

While everyone else had, and continued to do so, Lup hadn't missed the warm glow to Merle's hand when he'd popped Taako. A little Lay On Hands, she thought.

From there, Lup had no real qualms with Merle. But had she ever?

And then there were six. 

Lup had thought that'd be it, they all fit so well together, moved like a freshly oiled machine - fine-tuned and practiced. All the cogs and gears lined up, every piece had an action and every action a meaning.

But just like everything in Lup's life, apparently, it wasn't enough. The order came down from the top exactly two months and four days after Merle had arrived. They needed a scientist, a real one, dedicated solely to research, who could work in tandem with Lucretia to document their findings. And because the mission wasn't so far off, they were being assigned one from a fast-tracked curriculum similar to theirs.

Barry J. Bluejeans entered their lives, but most importantly Lup's, with a bang.

Not in the metaphorical sense, but in a "He was carrying lab equipment, and three books, and also a sandwich, and he dropped two of the books onto the linoleum, effectively silencing the entire room, but don't worry, the sandwich was fine" sense. He was kinda a mess.

He looked up at the rest of them with wide eyes, his face slack, but his eyes screaming in horror.

"Uh, sorry," he managed to get out, a hand reaching to fiddle anxiously with the simple glasses frames on his face, only to drop the other book and a piece of equipment, but shockingly, not the sandwich. Lup could respect his game. Apparently, so could Magnus.

"Hey, how'd you do that?" Magnus called across what felt like a trench between their group and the door where Barry stood.

"…drop everything?" he asked in clarification.

"No! Save the sandwich!"

"Dear God, Magnus," Lucretia mumbled under her breath, resting her face in her hands.

"Sheer willpower?"

This managed to pull a total of one laugh (Magnus), one snicker (Lup), and two polite huffs of laughter (Dav and Lucretia.) Lup didn't actually think Merle was paying attention, and Taako was looking on with an eye that was dangerously close to picking up a twitch.

When she finally examined Barry with focus she immediately realized why. 

He was average height, definitely shorter than Lup herself, she could tell that much from where she sat. His clothes were plain: a plain t-shirt, under a plain lab coat (with a hole in the side that looked as if it had been gnawed out by some acid), over a plain pair of blue jeans. And no, that irony was not lost on her.

However, his hair, she knew, was what was getting to her brother.

But before she could stop Taako from, well, being himself, the rest of their friends were ushering Barry in as if he hadn't just crash-landed into their lives.

By the time she was even able to get a word in edgewise that could be heard, Taako was already set and determined.

"Pan on a platter," she heard him huff under his breath, before raising his voice to cry out, "Is nobody gonna point out the fact that the dude's got a fuckin' mullet! Like the sandwich thing was cool, I guess, but I feel like Billy Ray Scientist is gonna offer me an aphorism about his achy, breaky heart any second." 

"Taako!" she hissed at him.

"Oh, like you weren't thinking it."

Which. Fair.

"Oh my god, c'mon," she said quickly, ducking her head under Barry's confused gaze as she pulled Taako to his feet. Her neck burned as she escorted them from the room, calling a, "Just remembered we've got a lecture to get to!" over her shoulder. 

Thankfully, she heard Lucretia's calm tone add to Barry, "That's nothing personal-" though the rest of get explanation was cut off by the door to the rec room swinging shut behind the twins. Lup adored Lucretia.

The next time Lup saw Barry was a week later at breakfast. For once, she'd gotten up with her alarm and made it to the mess hall before the lunch service. 

Her head hurt and her eyes were crusted shut from a late night of studying for an upcoming examination she had, but she made it through the line to get the strongest cup of coffee they allowed her to get nonetheless. Turning sharply, cup now in hand, she weaved through the tables, looking for a familiar face.

When she didn't see any upon first glance, she shook her watch around to check the time. 

Taako would be sleeping for another hour or two - she had left him that way in their dorm, afterall.

Magnus was probably getting an early session at the woodshop - he had this weird affinity for woodworking that they thought could be exploited for survival should they need it, so he practiced in his free time, however dismal it was.

Lucretia was no doubt already in the library, where Lup was set to meet her in half an hour. Dav in the bay helping on construction of their ship. Merle most likely over in the Botany area, maybe the field today, because it was Thursday.

She was about to tuck tail and just go to the library early when she saw him in the corner - all by himself. He looked a little sad.

Without giving much thought to it, Lup made a beeline for his table and slumped down across from him.

"Oh, uh. Good morning, Lup."

"Mm," she hummed in response, lifting her head long enough to sip her coffee. "How're you, Bar?" she asked in a tone she hoped didn't sound disinterested.

"Good, I'm good- are you okay?" he asked quickly, picking at a blueberry on his plate in quiet nervousness, staining the tips of his finger like a soulmark.

Two things occurred to her in that moment.

1\. She was making him nervous.

2\. She kinda liked his hand stained like that.

"'m fine. Late night study sesh 's all."

"Oh. All right."

They moved in quiet synchronicity after that. Barry nibbling on a dry piece of toast as Lup sipped her coffee, not speaking, but not uncomfortable either.

Her watch beeped at five 'til, and she ignored the disappointment in her stomach as she slammed the rest of her drink.

"All right, I gotta go see Lucretia. You good? Got plans?"

He nodded. "Yeah, Davenport wanted some help in the bay today, so I'm over there 'til dinner."

She nodded, getting up from the table. As she backed away from him, she threw him a lazy two finger salute. "I'll see you tomorrow, Bluejeans," she said, though Barry didn't know it was a promise.

That night, she set her alarm ten minutes earlier than usual. The next morning, much to Taako's half-awake disgust, she rose with it, getting dressed quickly and heading to the mess with time to spare.

As soon as she fell in line for her usual - she wasn't one to eat until lunch, most days - the bone-weary tiredness hit her, and she barely garbled out a thank you to the worker at the end of the line. 

Same as yesterday, she found Barry in the corner with his blueberries and toast, though this time he perked up when he saw her.

"Good morning, Lup," he said, this time as she sat down, and she nodded in reply. And that was how they sat, coffee and blueberries and toast between them instead of words.

And that was how they sat every morning that week.

The following Tuesday Barry broke their routine only to say, "I brought you a piece of toast."

Lup frowned up at him from the lip of her cup. "Why?"

"You always look back at the line when you think I'm not paying attention and make pitiful faces at the food," he said simply.

"Yeah, 'cause food in the morning makes me sick."

He smiled lightly. "Which is why I brought you toast. I can't really eat much else in the mornings either."

She smiled covertly at him, trying to mask it with a smirk. "Except for blueberries," she hedged.

Looking oddly relieved, he nodded. "Except blueberries," he agreed, a secret smile on his mouth.

With satisfaction, Lup reached across the table and nabbed a piece of toast from his plate as he reached to push it towards her. Their fingers ghosted across one another, but didn't touch. Nevertheless, Lup didn't miss the shock that went up her spine, or the way that Barry's eyes stayed steadily on his plate for the rest of their allotted time, now interspersed with spotty conversation.

After that particular morning, Lup and Barry were inseparable, to the point that even Taako warmed up to him by sheer necessity. They all hung out in the rec room, playing convoluted board games and dealing ridiculously tough card games. Barry tagged along to study sessions with Lucretia - much to the aforementioned woman's delight, Barry and she shared a similar mind for these things. Plus, with two of them, Lup was more likely to stay on task.

There was a certain harmony now, with Barry's addition. He balanced everything out, finally made their group make sense.

But even in harmony could discord be born.

There was an unspoken rule between Lup and Barry, one that wasn't even spoken of in the cover of night, or between non-participants. Taako himself didn't even bring it up, which said about as much as you could say when not saying anything at all.

Lup and Barry did not touch.

They didn't spar in training, nor the team bonding sessions. They didn't pass things to one another, there was always a middleman. They didn't sit next to one another, didn't pass close by in hallways. There were no whispered secrets, no hugs of elation over aced exams, no goofy handshakes like Taako and Magnus's, or pictures with their arms slung around one another's shoulders. There was Lup and there was Barry and there was always just over an arm's length between them.

And it was not enough for Lup.

For the first time in her life, she deemed it so, not anyone else. 

But she knew the stakes. They were about to embark on a journey that deep inside her she knew they wouldn't come back from. One that even the light of her palm couldn't pull her back from. And was that worth it? 

She wasn't sure. And being undecided, she thought, was just as bad as thinking it wasn't. So, she stayed quiet, she stayed within the confines they'd both mutually set and didn't unmake.

Maybe Barry Bluejeans would have been her rainbow, would've washed away the gray filter on her life. But for now, Lup vowed to never find out.

Like all strong vows, this was broken three months, four days, and seventeen hours later.

They were to ship out the next morning, climb aboard the Starblaster and paint all the stars in their wake.

Naturally, they were in a bar.

They were drinking and laughing (and fighting, she thought? In Magnus's case, at least? Everything was fuzzy around the edges and pleasant and honestly, she wasn't paying much attention to that idiot.)

Because Barry...Barry was _dancing_. His face was flushed and his glasses were askew and his hair, his hair was wild, but god, in that moment he looked so happy and Lup felt happy, felt centered, just looking at him. They had never touched, never hugged or jokingly-punched or held hands or brushed fingers or lips, but she had never felt closer to a person than she did in that moment to one Barry J. Bluejeans.

She knew she loved him.

Knew before he turned and locked eyes with her where she was nursing a drink leaned cooly against the bar. Knew before Taako smirked and started dancing them over. Knew before Barry lost his footing midspin and her hand - her right hand - shot out and caught his hip before he could tumble to the floor and break his glasses or something worse. Knew before Taako, even in his inebriated state started cursing and apologizing, despite the cacophony of sound around them.

Lup knew she loved him before her hand rippled with colors she'd never seen before, pulsing soundly against Barry's no doubt shimmering mark.

Lup knew she loved Barry, and Barry? Barry knew he loved her. Had since he crashed into her life.

One would think that the morning after meeting your soulmate would be heaven on terra. 

Lup just woke up with a massive hangover. Barry almost didn't wake up at all - sleeping through the three shared alarms he and Lup had.

"Bar' we gotta get going, final frontier and all that shit," she muttered into the top of his head from where she was wrapped firmly around him, making up for all the time they'd wasted. He shuffled slightly, their clothes making a sound extrapolated by the lingering alcohol and regret in their bloodstreams.

"'nt wanna be a astronaut t'day."

She laughed, and even as he cringed against the sound, she could feel him smiling against her collarbone.

"Yeah, well, neither do I. If you get up now though, we can be cool and fashionably late, coffee in hand."

Lup had learned, delightedly, that as much as she was one for theatrics, so was Barry. Just in a quieter sense. You wouldn't realize it until he was in the middle of drama that could rival even Taako.

He hummed against her chest, before muttering, "Fine. Dunno where my glasses're, though."

"Chill, we'll find you some sunglasses, go full slow motion walk and everything."

"How're you so…coherent? I saw y'drink - drink so much."

"Oh, I'm dying inside make no mistake about it, bud."

Amazingly, he snorted his way into a laugh, and Lup thought she could die a happy woman then and there. 

"'Bud'?" he questioned. "'m your soulmate Lup i'don' think 'bud' 's really where we're at anymore."

They hadn't said it out loud. To be fair, they hadn't really said anything after they made the connection. They'd just mutually decided it was time to head back to the dorms so as to get _some_ sleep before shipping out, and within that decision also came the unspoken one of not seperating for the night.

Nothing had happened, in the sense that literally nothing, not even a short, frank discussion had transpired between them. They'd simply slumped into Lup's bed and not let one another go yet.

Wait - Lup's bed.

She peered over Barry's form and found Taako's bed as disheveled as it always was, the same items strewn across it as had been the morning before.

"I swear to god if Taako isn't curled up in Mags's burly arms I'm gonna commit so much crime."

When she and Barry walked across the hangar half an hour later - huge sunglasses on, coffee in hand, ten minutes late, at 0.5x the rate of their usual respective paces - the first thing Lup did was call out to Taako, "Where'd you spend the night!"

Somehow, she made it sound like a taunt rather than a question borne of worry.

Taako's features immediately soured from where he was slumped on the ground by the ship, head between his knees. "I had to listen to Merle chat up his roommate's orchid 'til four!"

"I _told_ you you could stay with me, and we could _cuddle_!" Magnus cried out, hands moving this and that way, nearly smacking the body of the ship from where he was leaned against it.

"Oh my god, stop yelling, you're making my ears bleed!" Taako called back to him miserably.

"And where'd you get that shiner, dumbass?" she asked Magnus, who immediately swapped his distress for his best friend into a prideful stoicism.

"Y'know," he said, crossing his arms. "Around."

"You should see the other guy," Merle threw in with quiet distaste from atop a wooden crate as he fiddled with something in his lap, and Lup knew immediately Magnus had paid him to say it. Well, between Merle's tone and the beam of light in place of Magnus's mouth. The dude's smile could fry an egg.

"Oh, I'm so getting the story out of you later, Mags," she stated as she and Barry finally stopped in front of the assembled group.

"Good, I've got some questions of my own," Magnus fired back with a sly grin.

"Hey, here's Dav?" Barry interjected, earning him a raised-brow from Taako, but no comment.

" _Cap'nport_!" Magnus sing-songed over his shoulder, never uncrossing his arms or losing that damn smug smile.

"Magnus, I swear to god, I'm going to kill you," Taako hissed, massaging furiously at his temples. "Or give you tentacles. I just gotta remember the spell."

"Magnus, I told you to stop calling me that," Davenport grumbled as he leaned out the door of the Starblaster. "What is it?"

"Lup and Barry are here, see?"

"Oh, good, someone who's actually helpful," Davenport said drolly as he made as much eye contact as was possible given Lup's huge frames.

Lup beamed. "What'cha need, Cap'n?"

She didn't realize how long it would be before she smiled again.

It was all gone. Everything - everything was gone. Draped in black like a funeral shawl and torched from the bottom up.

Lup couldn't breathe, couldn't think, she didn't want to be alone, but god, seeing anyone, feeling anyone close to her-

Barry seemed to read the signals she was sending off and stayed on the fringes of her vision; Taako circled in and out, but mostly kept his voice low and his words short. Magnus, in between the wetness of his face, tried to offer something of meaning to her, but it came out as a crackling sound, and he'd instead headed off to his quarters alone.

Merle and Dav were at the front of the ship, piloting to whomever's god - not Lup's, Lup's would never- knew where. 

And Lucretia.

Lucretia had her arm around Lup's waist and her head on her shoulder, and was taking her through breathing exercises without ever uttering a word.

When everything you've ever known and loved is destroyed before your eyes, it makes love a little tense.

For the next few days, Lup barely saw Barry. Hell, by the time she set eyes on him truly, he had a 5 o'clock shadow that might as well have been an 11. And while it _really_ worked for Lup, was hard to see.

Barry hated stubble, not just the itchiness, but the break from routine, too. It was something soothing for him - shaving. She'd only ever seen him with a thin sprinkling of hair once, and that had been when they'd lost one of their researchers in a freak accident a month or so back.

But now it was in full force, enough that she was surprised Magnus hadn't challenged him over honor or whatever Burnsides Bullshit he would come up with.

And Lup wanted to say something, god did she want to say anything, but she wasn't really sure what she was supposed to say. Sorry? Sorry didn't cut it, not really. And discussing feelings, trying to find a bright spot right now, it didn't seem right.

And soon, quiet days turned to quiet weeks turned into tense months.

They had work to do, first and foremost, and after all those that had been sacrificed, Lup knew, for her own sake, that she had to do everything within her power to make the mission go- well, just go.

And so, after one night, one blissful, unassuming night wrapped around the man who was made to perfectly compliment her soul, Lup let love lose in favor of making sure life as they knew it could prevail.

Awkward didn't even begin to cover the air between her and Barry. Tense wasn't even big enough. Cringe-inducing was a start, but still, there weren't words that could quite encapsulate the feeling of being within a few feet of one another.

Well, to try to surmise: it even made Lucretia uncomfortable. Lucretia, who didn't meddle, as much trouble as she had a penchant for. Lucretia, who didn't pry even though her job was to chronicle. Lucretia, who got a pained look on her face every time Lup quickly cut her eyes away from Barry and accidentally landed on her.

It made Lucretia so uncomfortable, in fact, she finally broke down and cornered Lup one day in the second cycle - or, she thought it was the second, time was kinda fucky for Lup at the moment.

"Why are you pushing him away?" Lucretia asked simply, her legs pulled up under her where she sat atop the cramped table in the Starblaster's kitchen while Lup cooked.

"Dunno what you're talking about."

"Bullshit, Lou."

Lup sighed, she didn't have time for this. "Tia, c'mon-"

"I said: bullshit. And unto you I say again: bullshit."

"Fine! It's not worth the- the risk."

"Lup Taaco afraid of risk," Lucretia stated. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"Just because I agree to do a bunch of dumb, impersonal shit, doesn't mean I'll-"

"Set yourself up to get your heartbroken, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're being a coward plain and simple, Lup. No other way to say it."

Lup spun on her heel, her mouth hanging open. "What the fuck, Lucretia?"

The white-haired woman shrugged. "You respond best to tough love in situations like this. Gets you out of your head. In case you forgot in the midst of self-imploding and pushing everyone who has ever loved or will love you away, I'm your best friend and I know that kinda shit."

She said it so blasé, the tone one would use while inspecting their nails, yet she was staring Lup down with a knowing stare that should've been counteracted by her oversized cable-knit sweater, but wasn't.

Lup grumbled something unpleasant underneath her breath before turning back to the rolling boil in front of her.

"It's not fair," she finally said. 

"No, it isn't," Lucretia agreed, not even having to ask.

"And the mission. The mission has to come first, doesn't it?"

"Are you asking me or yourself?"

Lup sighed, trying again. "I don't even really know him. We had a few months, sure, and one night, but it's not- I don't really know him."

"It's been two cycles, Lup, you've known him for over three - better than any of us."

C'mon, Lup, think, you can find something to refute-

"I know," she said instead.

"So, are you gonna talk to him or are you gonna wait 80 cycles?" Lucretia intoned, but there was a softness creeping back into her tone.

"Bit of both?" Lup tried - it was the truth.

Lucretia huffed, the end trailing upward like a laugh. "That's what I thought you'd say."

But Lup did talk to Barry.

Kinda.

"Status report?"

Gods above, below, and sideways she was a fucking mess at this.

Barry's face - kept clean-shaven since that hell of a week - never wavered as he rattled off information for her to log. Lucretia had decided the world they were in this cycle was "extraordinary" and needed to be "thoroughly catalogued" so she'd trampled off to who knew the fuck where to log who knew the fuck what in a thinly veiled attempt to get Lup to stop icing Barry out.

Fuck. That one was just for good measure.

"Thanks," Lup replied, looping scrawl covering the page quickly.

"No problem," Barry said, and something about it made Lup frown. It was...normal. Completely devoid of any underlying thing, not even a hint of emotion other than genuinely wanting to be of help.

"Bar," she said softly, slipping her pencil through the spiral of her notebook. "I- I'm sorry."

He looked up from the machine he was fiddling with and frowned with half his mouth. "For what?"

Two cycles. It's been two cycles of her doing emotional - and sometimes physical - gymnastics without so much as an explanation, and he just-

God, she hated him and she loved him and nothing was lining up, but she didn't care.

"I've been a dick, plain and simple."

"Lup, we watched our entire world collapse both literally and figuratively, I think we're all entitled to our own destructive behaviors without judgement," he said simply, his frown now full-fledged.

"But I hurt you- I hurt you, didn't I?"

"It's called destructive for a reason-"

"But it's different when it's a self-implosion and a catastrophic explosion, Barry!" she snapped, her fingers trembling, itching for a protective flame.

He blinked at her behind his glasses, eyes moving back and forth, searching for words. His face seemed to ask _what do you want me to say?_

Honestly, she didn't know anymore.

"It's been two cycles, no explanation, and you just- gods, why aren't you mad at me?" she asked, choking on self-loathing. "Why don't you hate me? It would be so much easier if you just hated me."

"Lup, I could never hate you - god, I'm so worried about you I can't sleep, but I don't want to overstep boundaries. Lucretia seems to be able to help you a lot, Taako's your brother, I'm just-"

"My soulmate," Lup murmured, so low she didn't think even she heard it. She hadn't ever said it. Over two cycles she'd known and aloud she'd never uttered those words.

"Yeah. But I'm not sure you want that. So, I'm just the scientist who's shit at comfort."

Something strangled crawled up Lup's throat at that. "I- I've always wanted- I- Barry, I want you, I do, I've always wanted you, how could you ever think I don't?"

She hated how, how _desperate_ she sounded. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic-

Barry's hand was on the side of her face.

"Lup," he mumbled so, so softly.

"Where's yours this time?" she asked, tilting her head down.

"M' shoulder, like we're dancing," he said without question. Her palm, a sluggish gray, the same sluggish gray it had been for two cycles, itched at the thought of his mark. Gently, she raised her arm and placed it on the back of his shoulder, tucking her other hand in his.

She felt the moment of contact zip through her body before it quickly evened out. And kindly, he smiled.

"Thanks," he whispered. "I hated the gray."

"It's not you color," she agreed with a sly smile.

And just like that, apologies were made. They were okay.

They were still repressed as fuck, and didn't know how to love one another, but they were okay.

They shared smiles across the breakfast table, shared flirty quips over 3 a.m.s. It was common to find them shoulder to shoulder, inspecting something that really didn't need that much inspecting.

"Hey, Bar, can you help me with this?" was a common utterance. About as much as, "Lup'll you take a look at this? I need a second opinion."

Magnus and Merle had, in fact, made a running tally, which they kept updated and in line from cycle to cycle by sheer force of will. Lucretia had asked to get in on it - Taako knew where the composition book was and checked it regularly. Davenport tried not to think about it too much, but couldn't help but cringe every time he heard either phrase.

Lup could often be found toying at the ends of Barry's hair, or Barry with his face in the crook of Lup's neck, sometimes both.

They could be found sharing food, sharing seating, sharing laughter, sharing time.

They could be found falling in love over and over again, but never were they found, by omniscience or otherwise, doing anything more.

There were no kisses, no heated touches. There were hugs, high fives that lingered, 'accidental' bumps. Hip checks and the cuddling that wasn't really cuddling. 

But there was never anything, any kind of touch, that would signal that they were something more. Hell, Magnus and Taako were closer. Merle and _Davenport_ were closer.

Neither Barry nor Lup seemed truly happy with that, but neither of them seemed to know how to move out of it, either, and so there they stayed, always searching for one another, but never pulling the other back in.

The closest they got to colliding instead of their usual orbits was after each reset.

Despite not being together, they both mutually hated the muted gray of their untouched soulmarks. It opened old wounds that still felt all too fresh to the day, and neither of them could bare it under the pressure of everything else.

So if after each reset the pair disappeared, it was no surprise to the rest of their team. In fact, the other five knew to give it an hour, it was all the time they allowed themselves, after all.

The first time had been preceded by an awkward conversation. 

Lup: Could we, I mean. Go somewhere? Private?

Barry: I mean. Yeah? Everyone's okay, I think we could manage- what's this about?

Lup: I don't want to- I don't want to be alone.

Barry: We're all right here.

Lup: No, I don't. I need to have you with me. Always. It- I don't like it when it's dimmed.

Barry: Oh. Oh! Yeah, of course. I thought, *nervous laughter* I thought it was just me who hated it.

So they'd walked away from the ship, hands not bumping, but air unable to whisper between them - a practiced art form, really.

They stopped in a small clearing some fifteen minutes away from the crash site and turned to face one another, shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot.

She finally held up her hand, showing the newly shaped splotch in her palm. "Any idea where yours is?" 

"Ankle, I think," he said immediately, before his face screwed up quizzically. "I don't know how I knew that, I haven't been able to check anywhere."

"Then roll that sturdy denim up, let's find out, bud."

She didn't see the warm smile on his face because he was bent in half to roll his pants leg up, but it was one of happiness in familiarity, one he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Huh. You got psychic abilities this go 'round?" she asked, and though it was mostly a joke, she kinda wondered, just a bit.

"Hope not," he replied, straightening back up. "Taako'd really have a field day with that, don't think I'd be able to make it for a cycle, to be honest."

She snorted at that. "Yeah, he's pretty terrible," she said fondly.

"So, we gonna rock this thing, or are you gonna keep staring at my ankle like it called you names behind your back?"

She snapped her gaze upward. "What? Sorry," she scrambled to apologize. "It's just. Why do you think yours moves?"

"Yours moves too," he pointed out. "Just not as noticeable."

She nodded, amending, "Why do you think they move?" 

He shrugged. "Dunno, but everyone else's shift, too. The correlation to death could be extrapolated, I'm sure, but when we reset it should go back to it's original placement instead of moving-" he frowned. "Which I just realized as I said it. Huh."

"Oh, we're not gonna science the fuck outta this for a cycle, right? Tia's been on me about how hard I've been working, and I figured that like, if _Lucretia_ was calling my shit-"

"You need to rest a bit. Don't worry about it then, I'll do some independent research, let you know what I find out."

She nodded. "Don't work yourself too hard though, okay?" she said, trying to sound authoritative, but just coming off soft. 

He smiled at her. "Let's get this light show on the road?" 

"Hell yeah, let's do it."

And that was how it went. They walked, they chatted, they laughed over where Barry's mark moved to.

Sometimes it was his shoulder, twice the back of his knee, a few times his ribs, more times his stomach. He once had a thin line on his neck once as if Lup had chopped him (which she did as soon as she realized the opportunity), a small circle on the tip of his nose like Rudolph as of she'd flicked him (again, golden opportunity), and on one memorable occasion, Lup's perfect handprint had been on his ass - that was a fun cycle.

Lup's never changed much. It was always on one of her hands, usually somewhere on her palms, but her fingers, sides of her hands, knuckles, and even wrists had come into play a few times.

But no matter what the circumstances, they always made sure to align them so they were sure to catch a spark and alight with color. In a game of moving pieces it was nice to have one constant standing still.

As time went on, it got- not harder, per se, but more tiring. Lup wanted nothing more than to give in, just have one good cycle with the man she loved and call it quits after that. She was so exhausted.

And there had been one, one in the middle that had a good beginning.

It had been a world of twilight whose light stemmed from the pad of her thumb and the scope of his lips. One swipe had lit up their eyes and the fire in their bellies and the whole expanse of the night sky.

She couldn't help it, gods how she couldn't help it, and in breaking a decades long tradition, she leaned in, nose brushing against his, and kissed his lamplight lips.

It had been enough.

Because he, he was enough for her, and she was enough for him, and they had a cycle to be together, because they'd been seperated from the rest of the team in the crash, and there was no immediate threat, just a violet moon and lilac stars, and she wanted it so _badly_.

And for once, she gave in.

And it was beautiful, a beautiful middle with a good beginning and a terrible, far too soon end in the form of another funeral shawl to blackout every regal hue.

When they manifested back on that damn ship - thanks to Merle, it seemed - she was so, so upset. Pissed didn't even begin to explain it. Enraged was a good try.

And when she made eye contact with Barry, he smiled at her sadly, and they relayed facial expressions that conveyed every doubt in their hearts.

It would be decades more before they had another cycle like that, one made from longing and fear and exhaustion and the need for reprieve.

It was a cycle of sweet music, so soul-bearing it physically pained her, but so melodic and loving that she didn't know how she'd ever let it stay inside her as long as it had.

Barry looked at her like she made the moon and stars and hung them in the sky when she played, and for him, she reserved a soft expression that couldn't even be put into words.

To her, in those moments when he played, he looked so at ease, so peaceful, that she could imagine a life unlived where they had a living room and a piano and little feet on hardwood floors, where he played and played and she laughed more than she cried and they were so happy and so in love and nothing and no one could take that from them.

But when his fingers lifted from the keys and the last note drifted away into serene air, her daydream shattered, and he always fumbled, unsure, at the pieces.

It was right before the end that he told her he loved her.

Not before the end of a cycle, but the end of everything. 

He had murmured it in the fading days on an autumnal plane, and she'd wordlessly taken it, unable to do anything other than squeeze his hand so, so tight.

Because she loved him, oh, how she loved him, but she knew something was coming.

She never could have predicted this.

In the early morming hours of their something-ith reset, Lup's eyes cracked open.

At the same time, so did Barry's.

They gathered themselves from the ship, checked in on the rest of their team, and headed out for their one thing.

They found themselves as they had that first time, in a small clearing, staring at one another.

For some reason, her throat was tight when she asked, "Where to?"

His hand curled in on itself, and something in her stomach flopped.

"Hand?" she asked, and he nodded, flipping his left hand over. She realized immediately that the shape would slot in with the one on her own, the perfect inkspill of hands held.

"Haven't done that in a while," she joked, but something was…not right.

"Haven't ever done that," he corrected, and she could only nod.

"Lup, I haven't updated you in a while on my research," he stated before she could take his hand.

Her breath, caught in her throat, her eyes, unwavering from his.

"So catch me up, we've got a little time."

They didn't.

"When we die," he began. "Reset, we go back to how we were when we first stepped foot on the Starblaster back home. Our physical appearance is reversed, save for soulmarks, which we now know are outside of any universal or planar law, yet our mental states are in constant growth."

She listened patiently. 

"As our mentalities grow and change, so do our, our very _souls_."

She was going to throw up.

"Bar," she murmured. "Hey, please, don't-"

"I aserrmt that when we die each time, when we reset, our souls are forever changed each time, and different souls-" his voice finally faltered here.

" _Barry_."

"Different souls aren't always compatible."

Without thinking, she grabbed his hand in hers, squeezing so tight this tips of his fingers rushed red.

But his palm stayed intact, gray as could be.

If it hadn't been for his hand in hers, she'd have fully dropped to her knees, but he managed, even now, to keep her upright.

His face was wet, a slickly coated surface that couldn't seem to fully face her.

"Oh my god, what have we done?" she asked him.

Their words after that were few and far between, unsure of where to go from there.

"What about next cycle?" she asked sometime later, hand stubbornly unwilling to let him go.

"I don't know," he replied. "It could, it could not, I'm worried the, I'm hesitant to say damage, so transmutation of the soul is, well, permanent."

"But we won't know until next cycle," she restated, trying to make herself sound stronger than her broken parts.

"Lup."

She nodded, closing her eyes as a few more tears squeezed out.

This was the end of the line. With everything happening, they weren't even guarenteed the next cycle.

"Lup," he tried again, and it was all she could do to turn to face him.

"It doesn't- we don't have to just because of some dumbass birthmark."

"You know that's not true."

And it wasn't. Sure, people formed relationships outside of their soulmates all the time, but there was always a lingering emptiness, a need.

Need that sprouted bitterness and tended regret.

"I can't ask that of you," he said, seemingly reading her mind. "You deserve better than us slowly poisoning ourselves against one another."

"But it won't be like that, I don't want anyone else, I want you, I've always wanted you."

"And I've always wanted you. I dreamed about you, about the love of my life-" careful not to say soulmate, "when I was a kid. And loving you, loving you has been an honor and a privilege. It's been the best thing that has ever happened to me, Lup Taaco."

"Don't say it like goodbye, don't say it like this is the end."

"Lup, I can't be the reason someone doesn't get to love you, that opportunity is something so beautiful- I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And the thought of you throwing away the complete love of someone else for me? The scientist who's shit at comfort? That's unbearable."

He was openly crying now, tears coming in waves, his mouth barely staying straight enough to get what he needed to say out into the open.

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

And she shook her head. "Hate you? I could never hate you, Barry."

They both knew what came next.

"I love you."

And just like, she murmured those words she'd been squirrelling away for fear of them causing an end. They were like a sigh of relief, not water in a desert, but the straw off the camel's back. She'd needed them to be said all along, but like always, like always in Lup's life, it wasn't enough.

"I can't-" he started, shaking his head as if it would clear the tears. But she knew what he meant. If he said it back, they woukd never be able to move on. They would never live-

"I know."

Why couldn't she be enough?

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr @wlwshehulk i swear im not usually like this gksjfjs


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